Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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