The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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