They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
