Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
