I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
