I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just pynch a tree in the face
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
