So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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