Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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