she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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