I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
