how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
