He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
