imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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