I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
