party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
