Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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