dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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