Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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