party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
COCAINE IS GR8
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
