guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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