wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
