guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
