Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
