btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
