I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
