why didn't you poke me back
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
