wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
