Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
