Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"