genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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