I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
