I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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