another moral hangover. fuck.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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