he wants to bone in the snuggie
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
