I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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