I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
