I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
