All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
