so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
