I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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