just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
