I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
