My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...