swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
