I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
