i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
