Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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