i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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