Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
