I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
