i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish my penis had a tongue
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
