I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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