i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
