I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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