i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
