no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
