Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
