My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
