Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
