I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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