My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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