Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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